Chapter 6: Preparing for Emergencies

(Part II) Preparation

Before we talk about first steps toward abundant life, we need to talk about survival – not just physical survival, but emotional, spiritual and psychological survival.

Whatever your North star – Your frontline defense is going to be the same.

Because if you’re living with narcissistic patterns, volatility, or repeated cycles of emotional harm, it is not a matter of if things will escalate. It is only a matter of when.

And let me be strait with you – Situational abuse is something that happens in high school, in bars, and at family reunions. In the home, abuse is always chronic.

you may think:

  • “He just snapped.”
  • “She was just overshelmed.”
  • “It was the alcohol.”
  • “It was the stress.”
  • “It was just bad timing.”
  • “It was a misunderstanding.”

But it’s not. It’s cyclical. (You’ve felt this in your gut.)
And cycles repeat – especially when you begin to wake up.

The moment you start seeing clearly, the atmosphere often shifts.
Not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because the system you’ve been living in senses the change.

This is why you cannot wait until the next upset to figure out what will work best in each situation.
We’re stopping to plan so that:

You have the clarity, instead of it sneaking up on you.
You have enough time, instead of being in a panic.
You have your emotions in place, instead of reacting and escalating.

You need to put your plan together now.

A simple plan. A grounded plan, and one that reduces the risk to you and your family. And this plan, will help sustain you for the work ahead.

This chapter is not about leaving. It’s not about confronting. It’s not about making decisions or giving ultimatums. It’s about reducing injury, during the moments the atmosphere shifts, and you feel that tightening in your chest that whispers:

“It’s happening again.”

We’re going to prepare the same way you’d prepare for a hurricane, a power outage, or a medical emergency.

Preparation Without Panic

Most people in volatile relationships live in a constant state of emotional readiness — but not practical readiness.

Who This Chapter Is For

Let’s be honest:

Many people in these dynamics are not quiet, gentle, or calm. We lash out, attack. Become sarcastic or dramatic. We are highly defensive. And they are explosive on the outside and terrified on the inside.

This is true for both women and men.

Some women scream, ugly-cry throw words like knives (or throw other kitchen hardware). Some men punch holes in walls then drive their car like a bat out of hell until they collapse in shame.
Some men “take it like a man,” absorb the blows, and tell themselves they deserved it. Some women fall on the floor and themselves in bathrooms or call 911 looking for an upper hand.

Both are overwhelmed. Both are raging mad. Both are trying to survive something they don’t have language for.

This chapter is for all of us.

The Plan

The plan has two essential components:

The 1:1:1:1 Framework and The Boundary Bag.

Let’s start with what I have come to call the 1:1:1 Framework. This framework is designed to give you space to breath and keep your whole family safe both physically and emotionally.

Each of these requires thought, honesty, and preparation:

1 Hour / 1 Evening
1 Day
1 Week

The one‑hour, one-evening, plan

This is your shortest‑range plan — you only need a spare set of car keys, a small amount of cash, and maybe a coat.

This plan gets you out of the house and takes you to a planned destination, where you don’t have to think straight. The one you reach for when you need to step away quickly to clear your head and calm your body. Get some distance from explosive scenarios. It should include both daytime and more likely – nighttime scenarios.

It could be a planned neighborhood loop/route that you drive repeatedly.
It could be a public library or junior college campus study hall that doesn’t require a pass.
It could be a restaurant or a movie theater.
It could be an office parking lot.
A late night amusement park or town center.

You will need to find it on a day when things are good. A space you can be comfortable without being asked to leave or move on. A space your partner is unlikely to look for you.
Stash enough cash to cover incidentals for that location in the car you will likely be in. (hidden well)

And it above all safe. If your phone has a GPS – learn how to shut it off while the call function and internet browsing and maps still work.
If you need a spare key, place is somewhere secure – there are coats and pants hidden pockets, and small magnetic boxes that work great for this.

At its core, this plan is about two things:

  • Get somewhere you can cry in peace, and pull your attitude together.
  • Let your partner cool down.

Let’s continue building a plan that works when the world is closed and the house is on fire.

  • a small reserve of resources you can access without negotiation
  • a pre‑decided place to go where you can breathe and think

You don’t have to define the trigger yet. That comes later. Right now, we’re doing patient preparation.

Think in terms of:

  • a modest amount of money set aside for emergencies
  • a way to get there (keys, shoes, transportation)
  • a simple destination you already know: a quiet area, a park, a coffee shop, a library, somewhere you can sit, cry if you need to, and think in peace

This plan is not about making big decisions. This plan is about interrupting the chaos long enough to think.

It allows you to:

  • step back before you say things you’ll regret
  • step back before you issue threats or ultimatums
  • step back before you act in panic

The 1 day plan

This one requires similar amount of planning and a bit more cash.
If you’re thinking, “I can’t justify setting anything aside for myself,” hear this:

Your life and your value — to yourself, to your family, to God — are worth infinitely more than a small emergency reserve. Your oppression is decreasing your ability to bring your full self to the world. You are worth investing in. If you have to put away $5 a week, until you get to $150, just get there.

It is my hope and prayer, that by the time you read this, ShadowView Ministries will have the means to cover this for you. But for now, start getting the $40 and the $150 together and STASH IT. NEVER TOUCH IT.

This plan is going to be a friends house, an extended family members house or a cheap hotel.
Honestly the hotel is my preference. No one really wants to track their mess to a friend or family member and certainly the idea of your partner confronting them is not any fun.

But let me encourage you. As we get to the next section and learn to engage God in all this, this well get to be a better and better plan.

For now. Pick a hotel that always has room – check around. It should have parking not visible from the road.

If have the gumption, in a few chapters we’ll talk about getting your own private financial resources setup. But for now. Just cash. No charges on a shared card. This space is your safe place. The location should never turn up on a credit card. That’s a whole other discussion.

The 1 Week plan

This one is harder. If you have a friend you can engage in advance. Do it. We’ll talk more about how to engage help in other chapters. I’ll leave room for shelter-type resources.

To Bring the Kids or Leave Them Behind

This is one of the hardest questions anyone in a volatile home will ever face. And there is no one‑size‑fits‑all answer, because every family, every child, and every pattern of volatility is different.

But here is the truth you must face with clear eyes:

When you step away to regroup, your children experience the atmosphere you leave behind. Sometimes that atmosphere calms down. Sometimes it escalates. Sometimes the children become the new target. Sometimes they are ignored. Sometimes they are weaponized. Sometimes they are used as leverage. Sometimes they are left alone and frightened.

This is why you cannot make this decision in the heat of the moment. You must think it through now, while you are calm, grounded, and able to see the pattern clearly.

The Boundary Bag

You need something you can reach for instantly — something that grounds you when your nervous system is overwhelmed and your mind is spinning.

Not a kit. Not a threat. Not a sign you’re leaving. Not a sign you’re staying.

A Boundary Bag.

A bag that holds the things you need :

This is what healing looks like.

A Go-Bag is 1. Easy to carry 2. VERY accessible.

Spare house and car keys.
A spare phone charger
Emergency toiletries for overnight
1 comfy outfit for sleeping or day-ware (cold-weather)
A spare credit card
Cash (1 hour, 1 day, 1 week) plan (I keep mine in the my glove box and my Go-Bag under my bed or in the trunk of my car.

What happens when you leave the room?

Before you ever step out of the house for an hour, an evening, or a night, you need to ask yourself:

  • What typically happens when I walk away?
  • Does the atmosphere settle or escalate?
  • Do the children become the focus of anger or pressure?
  • Do they get pulled into the conflict?
  • Do they get questioned, interrogated, or guilted?
  • Do they get ignored and left to fend for themselves?

You’re not judging your partner. You’re observing the pattern.

Patterns tell the truth.

2. What do the children feel when I leave?

Children don’t need the details. They don’t need the adult explanation. They don’t need the emotional weight.

But they do feel:

  • tension
  • fear
  • confusion
  • responsibility
  • guilt
  • loyalty conflicts

And they often blame themselves for things that have nothing to do with them.

This is why preparation matters.

3. Preparing your children without panicking them

Children need simple, calm, pre‑decided language that helps them feel safe, not scared.

You can create a go‑word — a phrase that means:

“We’re taking a break. We’re stepping out for a little while. Everything is okay.”

A go‑word is not dramatic. It is not alarming. It is not a secret code for danger.

It is a signal for stability.

Something like:

  • “Reset time.”
  • “Quiet break.”
  • “Let’s take a breather.”
  • “Time for a pause.”

Short. Neutral. Non‑threatening.

You’re not teaching them to fear. You’re teaching them to regulate.

4. Children need a small bag too

Just like you have a Boundary Bag, your children may need a simple version of their own — not because you expect to leave, but because predictability calms the nervous system.

Their bag might include:

  • comfort items
  • something familiar
  • something grounding
  • something that helps them settle

It’s not about running. It’s about reducing overwhelm.

Children who know what to expect feel safer, even in unpredictable environments.

5. The core question: What reduces harm?

When deciding whether to bring the kids or leave them behind, the guiding question is:

“What reduces harm in this specific moment?”

Not:

  • “What will people think?”
  • “What will my partner think?”
  • “What does a perfect parent do?”
  • “What does a strong person do?”

But:

“What reduces harm for my children right now?”

Sometimes that means taking them with you. Sometimes that means letting them stay in a familiar environment. Sometimes that means stepping out alone for an hour to clear your head before making any bigger decisions.

There is no shame in any of these choices. There is only discernment.

6. You are not choosing between perfect and terrible

You are choosing between:

  • clarity and confusion
  • grounding and panic
  • preparation and chaos
  • wisdom and impulse

You are not choosing between being a good parent or a bad parent. You are choosing the next right step in a difficult moment.

And you are doing it with love.

7. You will revisit this decision many times

As you grow, as your clarity strengthens, as your boundaries form, as the atmosphere shifts, you will revisit this question again and again.

That is not failure. That is wisdom.

You are learning to see the pattern. You are learning to protect your peace. You are learning to protect your children’s hearts. You are learning to prepare instead of react.

What I need to know about calling the police:

If you call them or if they do.

(its not a mediation service – it’s the I’m ready to end physical contact and I need an escort and documentation)

– I’m in the Red zone. If you have to leave: (Jump to chapter x)
– Go-Bag and other emergency contingencies
– Emergency service recommendations (see appendix)
– I’m in the Yellow zone. It’s bad but it’s not an emergency (Jump to chapter y)
– I’m in the green zone. It’s on the lower level scale, i’m miserable and something has to change but I’m not afraid for my life or the next ‘bad day’ (Jump to chapter Z)

The Emergency Plan: 1 Hour • 1 Day • 1 Week

Think of this like preparing for a storm. You hope you never need it. You pray you never open it. But you’re wise enough to have it ready.

🌑 1 HOUR PLAN — “If something escalates right now”

  • A safe room or space
  • A grounding practice
  • A person you can text
  • A phrase that stabilizes you
  • A way to step outside
  • A de‑escalation strategy
  • A reminder that nothing must be solved right now

🌑 1 DAY PLAN — “If I need space for 24 hours”

  • A place to go for a few hours
  • A person who believes you
  • A journal or notes app
  • A grounding activity
  • A reminder of your North Star
  • A list of truths you forget
  • A plan for re‑entry

🌑 1 WEEK PLAN — “If things don’t settle and I need a buffer”

  • A temporary place to stay
  • A small stash of essentials
  • Important documents
  • A small amount of cash
  • A list of supportive people
  • Childcare considerations
  • A spiritual practice that helps you hear God
  • A reminder that this is a pause, not a decision

🌑 A Gentle Closing

You are not choosing today. You are not acting today. You are not confronting today. You are not leaving today.

You are simply facing fear — honestly, compassionately, without shame. If you don’t read the rest of this book. This will help you. If you DO read the rest of this book – You WILL learn when and how to activate these plans.

You are naming the two awful choices. You are acknowledging why you froze. You are recognizing the skill gaps that kept you stuck. You are beginning to understand that God wants you strong, not merely surviving. You are discovering the fire‑reason that will one day give you courage. You are preparing wisely, not reacting blindly.

In the next chapter, we’ll talk about the moments when clarity becomes non‑negotiable — the moments when safety, dignity, and truth rise to the surface.

For now, breathe. You are not failing. You are awakening.

Other Risk Factors I need education and preparation.