Part I – In the Dark

There comes a moment in every abuse story when we realize we can’t keep going the way things have been. Sometimes it’s a quiet moment. Sometimes it’s a breaking point. Sometimes it’s simply the exhaustion of holding everything together for too long.

Whatever brought you here, this chapter is your first breath.

Not a decision. Not a plan. Not a confrontation. Just a breath.

Take notice that you are standing at a crossroads — even if you didn’t realize it until now. A crossroads is not a decision point. It is a recognition point.

It’s the moment you say:

• “Something isn’t right.”
• “I can’t keep living like this.”
• “I don’t know what to do next.”
• “I need clarity.”

You do not need to choose a path today. You only need to acknowledge that you may be at a crossroads in your heart, and God is asking “Where have you come from…?”

That alone is a shift.

So we are going to gently approach some questions: Where have you come from?  Where have you been?  Where are you right now?
In response to what God has said needs our attention:  (Let’s do a more thorough job than Hagar.  After all, if you keep reading, you’ll find that Hagar ends up, still in God’s sights, but right back in the dessert, resigned to death, once again 14 years later.  Ug!)   We have to go deeper than that.  

When you’ve lived in chaos, confusion becomes normal. You learn to adapt but become disoriented, reacting to the abuser and not to your own compass. You learn to survive. You learn to read moods, anticipate reactions, and avoid landmines. You learn to shrink parts of yourself to keep the peace. Over time, you stop noticing how lost you’ve become.

If you’ve ever seen a movie where someone is lost in a maze you may recall that the first thing they do (after they figure out that they’ve gotten themselves lost) is usually place a marker in their surroundings.  Some sort of mark on the wall or ground with a bit of chalk or breaking a tree branch;  something to show them where they’ve already been so they can know for certain if they being going in circles.  “I went that way already, I made that choice already”, this mark says, “this is the wrong way.” That’s what this chapter is for — to help you see your location clearly, gently, and without shame. As well as to address God’s question to us. This chapter is your chance to pause and look around.

To light a lantern. Figure out where you’ve already been, and mark where you are.

“Bearings”:  Plural noun: bear-INGS:  “To recognize or determine one’s orientation, position, or abilities relative to one’s surroundings or situation.”

I would not be surprised, if you have been called “resilient”.   “A survivor.”  If you have ever suffered in relational abuse, you are probably pretty tough; and very good at being ‘down-but-not-out’.  Basically, this means we tolerate pain and mistreatment for longer than normal periods, like a camel tolerates the dessert.  We can ‘live’ for years surviving on meager affection scraps in dark places.  (Not maybe the preferred talent you would have chosen.) 

The Question That Changes Everything: “Where Am I?”

Take a moment to think the following questions through. Answer them as best you can, in a safe space, write them down or meditate on them. Take your time. (Don’t leave them somewhere someone else could find it.) Looking Back:

1. When did this start?
2. When was the first time I remember feeling lost?
3. What hurts have I endured?
4. What have I been carrying alone?

Looking around:

1. What feels confusing?
2. What feels impossible?
3. What do I wish someone would ask me?
4. How often do I have peace?

You don’t need perfect answers. You only need honest ones.

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Let’s talk about DENIAL for a second (and why it’s NOT your fault)

Denial is not stupidity. Denial is protection. When the truth feels too heavy, too dangerous, or too painful, your mind shields you until you’re strong enough to face it. Have you ever thought…

• “It’s not that bad.”
• “He/She’s just stressed.”
• “I’m overreacting.”
• “Everyone has issues.”
• “Maybe I’m the problem.”

These are not lies. They are coping mechanisms. Denial kept you functioning in the familiar. The known dangers can be easier than the dangers we’ve never navigated before.

Making some marks in your current location

Every person experiencing relational trauma has markers — moments that, when they look back, they realize were signposts.

Moments like:

• Recently I felt afraid.
• Recently I felt small.
• Recently I apologized for something I didn’t do.
• Recently I felt the need to hide something from someone I used to trust.
• I currently have no space for x, that thing that I used to love to do or say.

Think what some of your most recent markers are. You don’t need to list them all. You only need to acknowledge which markers are closest to your current status.

I like to tell me kids this: “When you work through your feelings, strength becomes available. We are not taking ANY actions. Just allowing ourselves to remember.

If you’d like a more objective opinion. There is a great quiz in a book by Lesley Vernick “The Emotionlly Destructive Marriage”. While I did not find guidance there persay, I did findi that taking the quiz at different points throughout my marriage gave me grounding. Because you see, even as you find your way to the light, patterns can creep back in, even while you believe things are continually getting better. Don’t undestimate the power of denial. Objective opinions are worth their weight in gold.

If you’d like something simpler, you can rate the following topics each from 1 (low) to 10 (high):

• Emotional exhaustion ______
• Confusion about your relationship ______
• Fear of conflict ______
• Feeling responsible for my partner’s emotions _______
• Feeling unseen or unheard _______
• Walking on eggshells _______
• Losing parts of yourself ______

You don’t need to analyze the numbers. Just record them for reference. These will be how you know if you’re going in circles later.

You don’t need to fix anything today. You don’t need to decide anything today. You don’t need to be strong today.

You only need to document, the best you can, where you are.

Because once you can see your location, you can begin — slowly, safely, and with help — to find your way out.

One more thing on denial – let’s talk about the secret Trade-Offs we make: Everyone suffering in a difficult relationship lives with trade-offs — often without realizing it.

Trade-offs like:

• “If I stop doing my things my way, the evening will be peaceful.”
• “If I don’t bring it up, maybe it will blow over.”
• “If I handle all the chores, no one will get angry.”
• “If I don’t ask for help, I won’t be criticized.”
• “If I pretend I’m fine, no one will judge me.”

These trade-offs are not failures. They are survival strategies. But survival is not the same as living.

Let’s notice our current trade offs. Again, we don’t need to get angry about them, they have kept us sane and there’s time to address them with the right tools. But to understand more of the landscape of your unique tunnel system, what are some of the tradeoff’s you may have accepted?

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Bring your Answers to God: As I mentioned at the end of Hagar’s story, God asks Hagar for her perspective on her situation.  It reminds me of the story of the garden of Eden when God says to Adam and Eve “where are you?”  God knew where they were, and in this case He knew where Hagar had been too.  He also knew all of her possible futures.  He knows where you have been, and how you got there.  But wants to dialogue with us, about our situation and perspective.  He says to us “Let’s talk about this, let’s hear how you see the circumstances you are in, then I’ll have something to work with”.  When we bring our perspective to God, He can begin helping us make changes.

When you’re ready, we’ll take the next step together.